A tribute to the church nursery

My muse strikes at unexpected moments, and this was one of them. I happened to see the line of parents waiting to pick up their children after the service  combined with this Stevie Wonder song my neighbors were playing yesterday afternoon. Mix together, stir, and voila!

As with all my parodies, there is no offense intended at all but a tribute to hardworking church nursery workers and the incredible talent of Stevie Wonder. Enjoy!

(And for the record, no altar calls at my church.)

Today's service lasted way too long

Sick of Cheerios™ and kiddy songs

Oo Mommy, here I am, 

Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours 

Cranky 'cause I missed my morning nap 

Please hold me tight upon your lap 

Oo Mommy, here I am, 

Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours 

Here I am, Mommy

Oh, you've got my blanket in your hand

(Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours)

Here I am, Mommy

Oh, you've got my blanket in your hand

(Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours) 

I'll see you back again next week

For more fun and games and treats

Hey, hey, yea, yea, see you, oh Mommy 

Recall that long, dragged out altar call? 

The nursery workers began to bawl 

Oo Mommy, here I am, 

Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours 

Give them a medal for their care 

They do it faithfully with no fanfare 

Oo Mommy, here I am, 

Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours 

Here I am, Mommy

Oh, you've got my paci in your hand

(Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours)

Here I am, Mommy

Oh, you've got my paci in your hand

(Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours)

I'll see you back again next week

For more fun and games and treats 

Thanks for all you do for us, but until then

But until then, next Sunday yeah

(Here I am, Mommy)

Here I am, Mommy

(Fed, burped, and diapered. I'm yours)...

©2015 Persis/Tried With Fire

Martin Luther meets Disney

Yes, I know it's been 3 years since I've updated this blog, but inspiration doesn't grow on trees. However, the muse has struck again after a lengthy hiatus.

Several weeks ago, I heard some young girls singing this song. I hadn't seen "Frozen" yet, so upon hearing the line "Here I stand," my first thought was, "Martin Luther?" Well now that I've finally seen the movie, I couldn't resist turning "Let It Go" into a song about Luther at the Diet of Worms. I apologize in advance if I've mangled church history. You'll also have to use your imagination and put the words to the music as I don't have the skills to make a music video of my own.

Enjoy!

The town of Worms is quiet tonight

Not a footfall in the street

In prayer and meditation

There's no way that I can sleep

My inward wrestlings are a tempest deep inside

Coming to a head, and I must decide.


What shall I do?

Which side to please?

Keep the vows that I once made as a priest?

But truth I seize

They want to know

Well they will know

Not the pope, not the pope

Papal bulls or grim threats galore

Not the pope, not the pope

Kings or counsels, dukes or lords

What I say

Puts my life at stake

But what can I do?

The Word alone I must obey.

And with the Cross before me

Makes all else seem so small

Authorities that once ruled me

Have no real power at all

It's time to answer to a king

But I bow to the King of Kings

Lord, calm my heart, give me the words

To speak.

Not the pope, not the pope

Excommunicate if you must

Not the pope, not the pope

God alone deserves my trust

Here I stand

I will not recant

So please help me, God

And though my voice is faltering, courage starts to grow

The Spirit's with me and He'll not forsake me this I know

This is the moment, and there is no turning back

That door is shut for good, and now I must stand fast.




Not the pope, not the pope

I now take my place on the floor

Not the pope, not the pope

My conscience's bound no more

Here I stand

I will not recant

So please help me, God

Thy Word alone I must obey.

Calvinists in the moonlight

This ditty was inspired by this post at Calvinistic Cartoons.  The tune is Moonlight in Vermont written by John Blackburn and Karl Susseldorf.  The original is sung by the incomparable Ella Fitzgerald.


Edwards on the shelf
Spurgeon magnet on your fridge
Cage-stage Calvinist

Monergism Tee
Tulip tattooed on your arm
Cage-stage Calvinist

Throw out old books that don't teach election
To make room for dead puritans
Get into fights over predestination
And pull out your new favorite book that's...

Calvin's Institutes
Bench press with your ESV
Cage-stage Calvinist

In Honor of May 21, 2011

I haven't had much time to write any silly songs. However, inspiration struck this evening to the tune of Love and Marriage.




Harold Camping, Harold Camping
Better check your math, cause nothin's happ'ning
Time to stop your preaching
Misleading folks with your false teaching


Harold Camping, Harold Camping
You should stick to civil engineering
Just put down your slide rule
Or you may look an even worse fool

Crunch, crunch, crunching all those numbers
Oh how impressive
But if Jesus doesn't know this,
Is--n't that presumptuous?


Harold Camping, Harold Camping,
Better check your math, cause nothin's happ'ning
Please don't dig your heels in
It's time to think 
Don't make a stink
It's time to think about repentin'

Give me a P

This is a little song on perseverance of the saints to the tune, Oklahoma, from the Rogers and Hammerstein musical.  The words don't include the little preamble in the song. Perhaps one day I'll add that part as well.

Perseverance of the saints encourages my heart

You can read the verse within God's word

That He finishes which He did start

Perseverance, not contingent on my will or pow'r

But on God's decrees, Christ intercedes,

And the Spirit's working every hour

By faith we have been justified

And one day we shall be glorified

Our hope is stayed 

Upon this pilgrim way

So take heart that our

God will keep us persevering

Perseverance by grace!

Perseverance of the saints encourages my heart

You can read the verse within God's word

That He finishes which He did start

Perseverance, not contingent on my will or pow'r

But on God's decrees, Christ intercedes,

And the Spirit's working every hour

By faith we have been justified

And one day we shall be glorified

Our hope is stayed

Upon this pilgrim way

So take heart that our

God will keep us persevering

Perseverance by grace!

By faith we have been justified

And one day we shall be glorified

Our hope is stayed

Upon this pilgrim way

So take heart that our

God will keep us persevering

Perseverance by grace!

Through faith! In Christ alone!

Perseverance!

A musical tribute to...

Here is a musical book review of Against Calvinism by Jeff Peterson, Eddie Eddings, and Jon Cardwell.

It's the recent book that's been published

Liked by Jakob Harmenszoon,

With ironic wit and dry humor that's

Sure to bring a smile or two.

Eddings, Peterson, and Jon Cardwell

Worked so hard to bring it to you

This thin tome that has it all, and I think you should, too

Buy da book, this is da one

Sure to rout those Calvinists, set them on da run

Silence all their faulty views

Once for all, that TULIP to subdue

Just go ahead, buy da book!

Read da book, it will report

Theologians of Remonstrans and Synod of Dordt

You'll be thrilled by every page

It's a parody fit for our age

Just go ahead, buy da book!

Buy da book! Logical arguments

To thwart Doctrines of Grace for all time, ever to circumvent

But you won't know what's inside

Til you find a merchant that's online, listen far and wide!

Buy da book!

To the tune of Night and Day by Cole Porter.  The video below is the original song as sung by the incredible Ella Fitzgerald.

Tulip meets Gene Kelly

A repost from Calvinist Cartoons.  

Insert faith

Inspiration comes at the strangest times.  My daughter had a piano recital yesterday.  Two students played a duet version of Climb Every Mountain from The Sound of Music.  Everyone knows the climactic line "Till you find your dream."  Unfortunately, dream rhymes with esteem which led me to think of self-esteem.

I had just listened John MacArthur's sermon on the true knowledge of God and how God is distorted by the purveyors of the health/wealth "gospel".  I had to concentrate on listening to the rest of the duet rather than making up lyrics in my head.  I did come home and write this little ode of advice from one prosperity preacher to another to the tune Climb Every Mountain.

To be successful

Follow this theme

Pander their desires

Feed their self esteem

Minimize doctrine

Don't talk of sin

Water down the gospel

That draws people in

The truth in the Word

They do not need to know

Just keep tickling their ears

And your book sales will grow!

God is the heav'nly

Vending machine

Just insert your faith and

He'll give you your dreams!

Mr. Spurgeon

I wanted to use this tune for a song on Limited Atonement, but it was too hard. However, here's a little tribute to Spurgeon. No disrespect is meant at all. I have the deepest appreciation for his many, many sermons.

So without further ado, Mr. Spurgeon to the tune Mr. Postman by the Marvelettes.

Oh yes, preach that sermon, Mister Spurgeon
(Preach)
Preach, Mister Spurgeon

Please Mister Spurgeon, look and see
(Oh yeah)
If there's a sermon from the Word for me
(Please, Please Mister Spurgeon)
I need some solid theology
(Oh yeah)
Because the truth is what will set us free

There must be some word today
To help me run this life long race
Please Mister Spurgeon, look and see
Is there a sermon, a sermon for me

I've been waitin', perseverin' Mister Spurgeon
Sooo, prayerfully
For just a thorough exegesis
Of truth and doctrine that I need to see

(Please, Mister Spurgeon)
Mister Spurgeon, look and see
(Oh yeah)
If there's a sermon from the Word for me
(Please, Please Mister Spurgeon)
That will lift up Jesus Christ
(Oh yeah)
So I can worship my dear Savior, divine.

So many years have passed in time
Since you delivered those many lines
God gifted you to be a great Bible teacher
And we're still calling you the Prince of Preachers

Please, Mister Spurgeon, look and see
If there's a sermon or verse from the Word for me
God knows I've been so blessed
Yes, because your sermons are still so fresh.

Why don't you preach it, brother. Preach it, brother
Oh why don't you preach it, brother
Please, please, Mr. Spurgeon
Please preach the Word
Let God's word be heard.

Why don't you preach it brother,
Preach it, brother
Preach it, brother
Preach it, brother
Preach it, brother
Please, Mister Spurgeon
Deliver the sermon, the sooner the better
Preach it, brother, Preach it, brother
Preach it, brother, Please, Mister Spurgeon
Preach it, brother, Preach it, brother

Climb up ego mountain

Inspired by this and this.

Climb, climb up ego mountain
You deserve the best;
Climb, climb up ego mountain
Trample what is less.
Turn, turn from God and Gospel,
Look to self alone,
Climb, climb up ego mountain
You're divine.

(To the tune "Climb, climb up sunshine mountain")

Don't show the teeth

This little song is inspired by this picture from The Sacred Sandwich to the tune Let's Go Fly a Kite from Mary Poppins.

Let's go fleece the flock
They'll swallow any shlock
Just make sure our canine teeth aren't showing

Then we'll clean out the till
After we've served our swill
So let's go fleece the flock!

Another T

Another T song. I couldn't resist because the song lent itself so well. Here's another Nat King Cole classic, Unforgettable, by Irving Gordon with new words about total depravity.

Totally depraved, that's what we are
Totally depraved in deed and heart
Like some filthy rags, foul and unclean
Is the value of our righteous deeds
Like Adam before, no one could be more

Totally depraved in every way
And forever more we would have stayed
That's why it is so incredible
That Christ gave His life impeccable
For one so totally depraved, too.

Here's the original song:

West Side Story Meets the Puritans

I was thinking about songs from West Side Story while coming up with a caption for this post. I began humming the song Maria by Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim and this is what I came up with.

John Owen
I just read a book by John Owen
And suddenly my sin will never be the same to me

John Owen
It's hard to read dudes like John Owen
But paperbacks abridged are helpful for the folks like me

John Owen
Take your time and digest it slowly
Feed your soul as your pride is made lowly

John Owen
The great theologian, John Owen

The best book on mortification I ever read
John Owen

No disrepect is meant. The Mortification of Sin is one of the books that changed my life. This just shows how strange my mind works.

Here is the original from the 1961 musical:

Give me an "I"

I know this isn't in order but this came to me sooner than the "L". This little song on Irresistible Grace is based on Embraceable You by George and Ira Gershwin.

You saved me, by irresistible grace
Your Spirit drew me to look on Your face

Once my heart was dead
A sinner vile, full of pride
But Your call awoke
me from the dead to new life

This conquering, amazing grace will perfect
This call will not fail to reach the elect

I can call You my Father
Undeserving and I know it's through
Your irresistible grace

For your listening pleasure, here is the incomparable Nat King Cole singing the original song:

No "L" yet

I am stumped on the "L". Not theologically, just lyrically.

Also, how can I write a song about Limited Atonement when Shai Linne has already written such a great one?

So, maybe I should write an "L" song coming from the opposite viewpoint of limited atonement.

I was toying with the idea of using Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" and changing it to "It's not fair", but then I realized how much I abhor the original lyics. However, I would be changing them.

Then there's Arethra Franklin's R-E-S-P-E-C-T changed to L-I-M-I-T-E-D. I think that would really stretch my lyric writing ability.

Stay tuned but don't hold your breath.

Give me a "U"

Here's a song about Unconditional Election. The tune is Tomorrow from the musical Annie. I don't know why I keep picking tunes from songs that I don't really like that much.

I'm thinking about election
There's no reason I could earn God's favor
if I tried

Just thinking about election
In my sin, I'd only chose the wrong thing
every time

I was destined for hell, dead in trespasses
Unconditionally, God, by grace, saved me

I marvel at God's election
I did not choose Him but He foreknew me
before time

Election, election
Predestined to know Him
It's only by grace alone

Give me a "T"

I thought I would come up with a song for each of the letters in TULIP so here's the one for total depravity. The tune is Hernando's Hideaway from the 1954 musical Pajama Game by Richard Adler
and Jerry Ross.

I know a dark, deceitful place
A heart hid by a smiling face
Stone cold with evil thoughts all day
For man is totally depraved, ole!

Every boy and girl on earth
Is tainted from the day of birth
The truth is that we're worse than dirt
For man is totally depraved, ole!

(music)
In our every thought and action telling what's within
(music)
They're not bad choices it's the fruit of all our sin
(music)
If you need proof just watch the news on the T.V.
But it's not out there, if you look with care
It's you and me!

No hope in us, no remedy
Backs turned to God rebelliously
Save for grace shown at Calvary
For man is totally depraved, ole!

Your Best Tune Now

My latest tune snatch is "On Broadway" by Barry Mann and Cynthia Wells in collaboration with Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller. This was recorded by the Drifters and George Benson.

This was inspired by the posts on "Treasuring Christ in Catastrophic Situations" at Gospel Driven Disciples.

Your teeth are looking bright tonight, Joel Osteen
You're style and manner's sure to not offend
Your happy pep talks fill the seats
How God exists to meet my needs
But what will happen when life's at the end?

You say I should be treated fine, Joel Osteen
Because I now have God's own DNA
But what do you and I deserve?
God's righteous wrath we have incurred
What is your answer for that judgement day?

You've written two best selling books, Joel Osteen
They hold the secret to fulfill my dreams
But I'm not buying what you sell
Because the gospel you don't tell
No thanks, I'll read the Word instead, Joel Osteen

A Musical Tribute to the Baptist Potluck

This is a tribute to the institution of the Baptist potluck. I wasn't raised a Baptist but I am one now, and I must admit that we do have some very tasty covered dish meals. This tune snatch is set to Love Will Keep Us Together by Neil Sedaka and Howard Greenfield, popularized by Captain & Tenille. The 70's pop tune genre should be cast into outer darkness, in my opinion. My high school choir director combined this song with other 70's pop songs as part of a medley which we had to perform for the spring concert. Those memories are best forgotten which the brain does to protect itself. However, this tune came out of hiding and seemed a likely candidate for something silly. I do like the absurdity of combining this song with Baptist potlucks.

Food, food will bring us together
Have a potluck whenever
Any good old reason will do, when worship's through
It's a tradition for fellowship true
So have [have] some homemade fried chicken
Rolls [rolls], and greens with bacon
Since we are Baptists, it's food that brings us together

Bring, bring your jello salad
Casseroles are valid
Homemade pecan pies will abound, biscuits so round
Don't bother with your cholesterol count
So have [have] a glass of some sweet tea
Load [load] your plate with baked beans
If all else fails it's the food that brings us together, whatever

Go get in the line
Tables laden with food
Make sure you save some room
For desserts that are good

Oh yes, they are the best!

Oh well, there's too much not to try it
Give up on your diet
Even when the heart burn is strong, just one bite more
You'll have to wheel me right out of the door
Despite all the indigestion
Fellowship that's refreshing
Love those potlucks, 'cause it's food that brings us together

Musical Invitation from a Seeker-sensitive Mega Church

This song is set to the tune Seventy-six Trombones from the Music Man by Meredith Wilson. If you aren't familiar with the tune you can watch and listen to it here. This tune snatch was inspired by an invitation in the mail from a local seeker-sensitive church. This song is a bit of an exaggeration.

Seventy-six plush chairs in the coffee bar
And one thousand and ten fresh donuts to eat
We're so eager to make you feel very comfortable, at home
So sit back, and please put up your feet.

We will amuse your kids in their Sunday school
We have licensed a franchise of Chuckie Cheese
The teens can go off and play Christian video games
So you have your worship time in peace

So come this Sunday and we're sure you'll have a blast
And for free, you'll receive a gift card for some gas
Well appointed rest rooms and an ATM
Circuit gym and Internet

Sermons that are guaranteed to not offend
We just love, we will not ever talk of sin
We will twist the Bible just to meet your every need
So why don't you come on next Sunday, pretty please?

Forty-one sofas on which you can recline
You can carry a conversation with ease
After service, go get your lunch at the food court down the hall
Play some bowling after, if you please

Come as you are, we don't care how you are dressed
Don't bother to bring your Bible at all
At eleven o'clock we start but it isn't on the dot
See you Sunday and you'll have a ball!